Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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