turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I have post one night stand depression
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
