Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
