ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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