Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
