i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I forget how to act sober
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
