I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
