Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
