I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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