The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
