he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
