Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Please don't give away my fajitas
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
