There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My penis needs a shock collar
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
