Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
