he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
