Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Vodka?
Forever.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
