whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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