Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
