Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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