you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
