Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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