am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
