As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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