I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
