This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
