when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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