drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
