Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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