Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize