Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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