I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
