allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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