mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
