if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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