some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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