your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
