Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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