He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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