Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize