I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
You can't just leave with hair like that
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
