Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Just cropdusted the office
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
