I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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