Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
