how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
