It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
