I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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