I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Randomize
