I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
