Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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