I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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