i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
