Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
This toilet bowl is my home.
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