I am in a vortex of obligation.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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