What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
