If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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