I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
