God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
He shit in the fireplace
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
