Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
