I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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