There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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