I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize