If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Randomize
